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Is Robert Pattinson Okay? His Monstrous Lockdown “Pasta” Creation Certainly Suggests Not

Robert Pattinson - Self-Portrait | Photo Originally Published by GQ

Robert Pattinson – Self-Portrait | Photo Originally Published by GQ

Just in case you were wondering whether upcoming The Batman lead, Twilight mega movie star, and star of my teenage fantasies Robert Pattinson was doing okay in quarantine, the answer is… well. It seems like he’s doing the best he can.

Pattinson revealed in a recent GQ interview that he has created an ungodly microwave pasta recipe during lockdown in London consisting of sliced cheese, “just any sauce” and “enormous amounts of sugar” that he has dubbed “Piccolini Cuscino.” His interview veered so much off course that he somehow ended up cooking this dish for his interviewer over FaceTime, burning his hands through a latex glove in the process beforeĀ  “a lightning bolt” ultimately erupted from his oven.

So, of course I had to try to make it! Ingredients, video, and recipe instructions below.

INGREDIENTS

9 Packs of Pre-sliced Cheese
1 Large Novelty Lighter
1 “Filthy, Dust-covered” Box of Cornflakes from the corner store
Penne Pasta or “Squiggly Blob Pasta”
“Just Any Sauce”
Aluminum Foil
“Enormous Amounts” of Sugar

Robert Pattinson's Piccolini Cuscino

Robert Pattinson’s Piccolini Cuscino in its final form

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Microwave penne and water for eight minutes.
2. Put crushed up cornflakes into aluminum foil packet. Dump enormous amounts of sugar onto cornflakes.
3. Layer slice after slice of cheese onto sugar-foil. Add more sugar to create a sugar crust.
4. Add sauce, “any sauce.” Pattinson used a “red sauce.”
5. Remove pasta from microwave and dump into foil. Pour more sugar on top of it, top with hamburger bun.
6. Burn initials P and C into top of hamburger bun with your novelty lighter.
7. Wrap whole thing in aluminum foil, squeeze to compact, add more foil, then squeeze more.
8. Put in oven at a 1000 watts or so? (Perhaps skip this step–a lightning bolt erupted from his ovenĀ  at this point in interview).

Atlanta Eats Reaction to Robert Pattinson Dish

My first bite of Robert Pattinson’s “Pasta”

REVIEW

The longer I work at Atlanta Eats, filming at Atlanta’s best restaurants, the more that I realize that I just really, really love food. You’d think that I’d have developed these crazy high standards, but in truth I love EVERY place we shoot and every meal I eat, from the fancy, lobster-filled spreads at Cabernet Steakhouse to the Kool-aid slushies and lil chiks at Krystal. And I’m a horrifically lazy cook as well, so I was intrigued by the promised speed and efficiency of a microwave pasta. So yes, I absolutely went into this with an open mind.

But yeah, this was not it. The upsides? The pasta WAS cooked all the way through, and the “just any sauce” I picked out from Kroger was quite tasty. The Kraft American single cheese that I used also went well with the pasta, and the cornflakes were not the worst things I’ve eaten and a fine substitute for breadcrumbs, in a pinch.

Robert Pattinson Pasta Reveal

It tasted even worse than it looked.

But for all the positives, the ingredient that resulted in my above reaction was the copious amounts of sugar, so much sugar that I’d definitely consider venturing out for a dentist appointment right about now, in the midst of a pandemic. AND I wasn’t even able to use enough sugar to create the “sugar crust” that Pattinson insists is essential in a Piccolini Cuscino. Add to the mix the fire hazards throughout the process–from burning a hamburger bun with a lighter to the “lightning bolt” situation that I was on edge about the entire time this pasta was cooking in my oven–I would just recommend cooking pasta the old fashioned way, without sugar crusts and without burger tops. But thank you, Robert Pattinson, for sharing with us your creativity and blessing us with that absolutely chaotic mess of an interview that honestly was the funniest thing I read all week.

RATING

1.5 stars out of 5, for creativity, effort, and hilarity

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